My Monster Within

October 3, 2008 — Leave a comment

Last night I rattled Amy’s ear off for nearly an hour as it was late going to bed.  I’m not sure what it is about late nights, lights out, not having to look in the eyes and feeling the freedom to lay it all out there.  It reminded me of my college days, in which my roommate Eric and I, would stay up late just shooting the breeze.

I just felt like I was so consumed yesterday and focused that I lost track again.  It is like this monster within me that can’t turn the switch off and if she points it out – I know I would probably get defensive.  We had a long day yesterday and so when I got home I started working on a project.  Camden was doing everything he could to get my attention and Cale simply wanted to be held.  Cale kept trying to unplug my power cord and I kept pushing him away.  The whole time, like it was in slow motion…… I was feeling like a lousy dad.  Well, because I was.

It’s like sometimes that monster within just wants to complete the task.  The monster within just wants to have his own way.  The monster within has to check it off the list.  It has become a constant battle and I lose respect and can’t stand myself when I allow it to happen.  I keep telling myself to have balance and even set up time management color coated spreadsheets – to no avail.

I need Christ’s help to overcome.  He says that I can be not just a conqueror, but more than a conqueror.  I believe he can give me the discipline to shut it off and tell that monster within to take a hike.  I believe God can give me the strength and the desire to realize I can’t change the world overnight.  My relationship with Christ and his acceptance of me isn’t by how much I get done each day, but by my trusting in him to get it all done.  He is pleased with me before I even start the day – praise God for that!


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